I belong to a private social group for dog owners. We generally get along well together. Recently there was a video posted featuring the cutest pooch you've ever seen. The owners showed off their techniques, explained the process they used to train and settle their little guy into its new home. Many of the techniques were not those recommended generally by vets and experts. As a result, group members became agitated and the comments underneath clustered quickly .

It didn't take long before comments boiled over into judgment, and communication divided into camps of 'right' and 'wrong' with no seeming hope of negotiation. Then came the finger pointing and the 'othering' and as a result the replies became more heated. The spotlight question was about who good enough to be a dog owner. The heat intensified after this and became much more personal and attacking. The post author felt she was being 'told off'. She thought she'd re-shared a video that was cute and did all this criticism this mean she wasn't 'fit' to look after her dog?

Then rode in a potential saviour. A guy who made a heartfelt plea for more reflection from the group. He said there should be room for different perspectives and approaches. That we should be able to listen to each other. Reading this comment, I felt my shoulders relax. It was like someone was trying to bring us all back together. It was great. However, he finished his answer by saying it was a shame that the usual 'dog Nazis' were around to spoil things. This scuppered everything he had said before and for me, I felt his milk of human kindness sour - such a shame. My shoulders returned to stress lock...

Slowing down to avoid being reactive

Now hold on...before you all start to react as well, let's look at the scenario. It's a pretty typical one in the UK, of the type you see on social and business platforms all the time, isn't it? It's also the kind of tension I've experienced in text communications and I'm aware this observation is anecdotal not hard solid fact. However, if what I'm writing resonates with you, read on. Maybe it's time to get clear about the ground rules for communicating, to help ourselves but also to support others.

When two or more people enter into a conversation it presents an opportunity for each to be enriched by the other. But that can and only will happen when the time is taken to be reflective, and so to avoid reactive or controlling behaviour. The best approach we can take is for us to just be.

Here's something to try when in conversation with someone. Something to help increase awareness of how to interact but also to strengthen the opportunity for connection with the other person. Feel free to try it if it lands with you. It's worth it!

1. Listen deeply to the other person and suspend judgment whilst you are in that conversation. Just let their comments become the full centre of your focus.
2. If you have a strong reaction against what they say, take the time to get beyond that knee jerk reaction. Breath the reaction in and let your body relax.
3. Reflect on what you could do to address the situation. What is it you want to say that would help move the situation forward? Then if you want to take action, ask yourself what might create the best possibilities for that change? What action invites the opportunity to minimise the gap between you?
4. Ask yourself honestly if you are better than the other person because of your views? Why ask this? It is so easy to get into a divided and limited mindset when interacting with another person. No helpful action ever arose from a feeling that we are better than someone else. If you are experiencing the feeling of being 'right' meaning being 'better,' ask what it would take to be seen as 'equal' to that other person?

My personal belief...well...I believe no change comes from finger pointing and 'othering'. It is far better to look at what unites us. When I recognise conflict, I try to remember that in different circumstances I might hold their beliefs too. Our life experiences create the anger and bitterness that becomes our division. With a compassionate realisation, then and only then, we can helpfully respond.

So, in responding to others we need to remember:

• "I don't think I'm better than those who I disagree with, or those who disagree with me"
• "I'm not looking to create division with those I disagree with, or those who disagree with me"
• "I want to find a way to make the gap between me and the other person less"