Domestic Violence
The 24 hour freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline (run in partnership between Women’s Aid and Refuge) is available on 0808 2000 247 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Domestic violence is most commonly perpetrated by men against women, but by no means solely. Domestic violence takes place within an intimate or family relationship and is a pattern of controlling behaviour. It can take the form of physical, psychological, sexual, or financial abuse.
Domestic violence encompasses a whole range of behaviours which aren’t necessarily ‘violent’, which is why it is also referred to as domestic abuse, and also why many people living with an abusive partner can be confused as to whether what they are being subjected to ‘counts’ as domestic violence.
Domestic violence comes from the abuser’s desire to dominate another person, to have power and control within the relationship. It is repetitive and often life-threatening. Beyond physical impact, survivors of domestic violence are often left with deep psychological scars. These can extend beyond the person directly experiencing the abuse; children in the household can be deeply affected to.
Though each case is individual, there are common traits which can help you identify an abusive relationship. Recognising these symptoms is a vital first step towards getting help, as often abusive relationships can be hard to identify from within the relationship.
Symptoms of domestic violence and abuse
Verbal abuse: humiliation, destructive criticism, shouting, mocking, accusing
Pressuring: threatening, lying, removing the person’s agency
Disrespect: name calling, taking liberties with possessions or money, refusing to help with tasks around the home
Breaching trust: infidelity, lying, jealousy, not keeping promises
Harassment: stalking, denying privacy, embarrassing you in public
Isolation: cutting you off from the outside world, controlling your phone calls and friendships
Threats: gesticulating violently, encroaching on personal space, using physical size as a threat, intimidation tactics
Blame: insisting you are deluded, that the abuse is your fault
Sexual violence: rape, threats, intimidation, forcing the viewing of pornography
Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, all forms of violent and unwanted physical touching
Do you feel scared of your partner, constantly moderate your behaviour to avoid your partner’s temper, feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner, wonder if you are the one who is unstable or believe that you deserve to be badly treated? If so, your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. It is important to remember that it is still abuse, even if it does not seem ‘as serious’ as what you read about in the news, or if there has not been any physical altercation.
What is emotional abuse?
People are sometimes hesitant to talk about emotional abuse in the framework of domestic violence, however there does not have to have been physical violence; abuse is abuse. Many men and women suffer emotional abuse from their partners and it can be extremely psychologically damaging. A perpetrator of emotional abuse will seek to destroy your sense of independence, agency and self-worth. They may call you names, wrongly and consistently accuse you, withhold money or means of transport (such as a car), threaten physical violence if you don’t acquiesce, tell lies to you and about you, belittle you (your friends, work, personality).
Many victims of domestic abuse believe that it is their fault; whether they have been convinced by repeatedly being told that is the case, or their sense of self-worth has been eroded by persistent abuse. Abusers use fear, guilt, shame and intimidation to gain and maintain control. The abuser is always responsible for the violence; there is no excuse.
Therapist Jo Mercer talks about emotional abuse
Warning signs of domestic violence
People who are being abused show some of the following changes in their behaviour:
- overly anxious to please their partner
- frequently reporting back to their partner about where they are and who they are with
- receiving frequent phone calls from their partner
- talk about their partner's jealously
- make massive excuses for partner's behaviour
- be withdrawn, subdued
- increasingly unable to maintain commitments with friends and family
Did you know?
The Crime Survey for England and Wales estimated that 2.1 million people aged 16 years and over (1.4 million women and 751,000 men) experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2023
How can therapy help?
Those who have experienced an abusive relationship have often had their self-worth completely worn down. This can lead to depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress syndrome.
Seeking out help is a positive step, an acknowledgement that you should not have to process and cope with this pain alone. A professional counsellor or therapist can provide a safe space for you to express yourself and work through your experiences.
In therapy you won't be made to feel that you have to justify your feelings or experiences, which is something you may have become accustomed to doing in your relationship.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship, it may feel more difficult to seek professional support, especially if your partner has control over your finances or is intrusive about how you spend your time. When you reach out to the therapist you may like to work with, be as open as you can comfortably be with them and they may be able to offer partial solutions, such as paying in cash rather than via bank transfer.
Last updated August 11 2024
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