Oh you can still remember those words and that feeling.... it's a girl!!! A girl, how lucky! How exciting, how special, how important, how hopeful! We will be so close! Best friends! Tell each other things, secrets, share hopes, dreams, fears in a way that only mother and daughter could really do....

But we don't think of the other side of this relationship .... how complicated, challenging and sometimes downright impossible it can be.

Mother-daughter relationships are complex - eliciting a special set of emotions reserved only for the mother-daughter couple. Even the healthiest of relationships can be at times fraught with real challenges.

So, what goes into making a 'healthy' mother-daughter relationship when your daughter grows up?

A 'healthy' mother-daughter relationship is one that allows for closeness and togetherness - but simultaneously - for independence and space. It's caring and loving and fun and silly. This changes at every age and stage from childhood to adulthood. A mother daughter relationship is whatever you choose to make it!

A good place to start is by establishing boundaries for the relationship.

What does that mean?

Making sure both mother and daughter feel safe, comfortable and satisfied within the relationship.

Guilt is a useless emotion

Guilt is an emotion that often exists in close and complicated familial relationships. It is a difficult and strong emotion that, when understood better, appears to serve very little purpose. It can sometimes be used to convince people to do or feel or act in ways they themselves do not want to and it is not a healthy tool in any relationship, no matter what the dynamic may be.

When it comes to mothers and daughters, guilt can manifest itself when one, or both, are overly critical of the other.

When one feels hurt, they may need to bring up past events that are known to make the other feel upset and guilty. This is done to express unresolved hurt - perhaps in an unconscious way - perhaps more directly. Either way, it is not a good or healthy tactic and will only strain the current relationship.

Mothers and daughters can become trapped in this type of relationship struggle. The most effective way to get past the hurt is to be able to talk about it from both sides - with an aim to forgive each other and move on from the past - in order to establish a healthier relationship.

Once forgiven, you must move on and try not to bring back old issues from your conversations. Be open to having difficult conversations with an aim towards forgiveness.

Be yourself

In healthy mother-daughter relationships, both parties need to take the other for who they are, and not engage with trying to change them.

The most common form of this is when the mother would like her daughter to be more like her. This may be in personality, values, choices, opinions. The mother may try to make the daughter feel guilty for being different and may consistently try to change her. This can lead the daughter to feel that they are often disappointing their mother and often trying to please without success. This can lead to arguments, resentment and overall an unhealthy relationship.

Being in the company of someone that's trying to change you isn't fun!

The key to this is acceptance. The mother needs to accept the perceived differences or faults and focus on the daughter's positive attributes and not those that are perceived as negative.

Be open to conflict

There will always be conflict in the world and conflict in relationships. That is normal. Conflict isn't something that can be ignored. If conflict is ignored, then there will always be tension and unresolved issues.

The first step is to identify the conflict and the reasons for it. Take some time out to do this.

Once you've identified the conflict, you need to talk about it.

It is best for both to engage in a conversation around this conflict - regardless of how difficult it might be to begin. Trying to do so in a positive and respectful way will help keep both sides engaged and not exacerbate the situation further:

• Allow both sides to present their side of the argument without interruption. It's important that each person has their say and that the other party listens.
• Try not to bring up unrelated negative events. Try to think of positive experiences that you would like to build on rather than focusing on the negative.
• Try to end on a positive and agree on ways that you can move forward. Tell each other how much you love each other and what you like about each other.