What's Really Behind Jealousy in Relationships
Jealousy can be one of the most difficult things for couples to deal with. It often feels it is out of our control. But really it is within our control.
It is helpful to distinguish between feeling a certain way and having someone else ‘make’ you feel that way. You may feel distrustful of your partner. Just because you feel jealous does not mean that he/she is making you feel jealous. The focus is not on your partner but for finding ways that they are responsible for what is happening inside your head. The source of negativity is within yourself.
Start with your own needs. What needs do you have as an equal member of your partnership? Are those needs being fulfilled? At the root of jealous feelings is not the fear of what your partner may be doing with someone else. That is just a mask for you feeling that your partner is not doing those things with you.
Look at those couples with a healthy attitude to jealousy. A woman whose husband ogles a beautiful woman in the street doesn’t feel jealousy because her needs are being met. The husband is attentive to her, so what does it matter if he looks at other women?
Jealousy projects our fears for our relationships onto others. When we are not secure in our sense of safety in a relationship it’s easy to see external things as threats. But healthy balanced relationships are built on trust and compassion and are therefore not threatened by others.
It is the quality of the connection that matters.
Of course, we need to pay attention to our feelings. They are often a good source of information. We can grow jealous because we have reason to believe our feelings are justified.
There is no point in demanding certain behaviours from our partners. If you do not trust someone they are not likely to be in your best interests. Let them go.
Assert your boundary not to be lied to or deceived. Then focus on moving on.