This article is about the challenges and possibilities for mothers living with partners who are not their children's parent. These include stepmothers and women who would not call themselves a stepmother but whose partner has children that are not their own.

Living in a stepfamily can be difficult for everyone involved; for many years I have been thinking about what makes this the case, and what helps people living in these situations. Starting with my own stepfamily: I separated from my husband with whom I had two children, and met a man who had a son who became my partner. Therefore I was a mother and stepmother. After I completed my therapy training I was a counsellor on a stepfamily counselling helpline and in 2009 completed a doctoral research project, focusing on mothers in stepfamilies.

The women I interviewed for this all had their own children as well as being stepparents. I have worked therapeutically with many couples and have co-founded an organisation StepIn ASAP which is a group of therapists who work with people challenged by their stepfamily and who have themselves lived in similar situations. From these experiences I conclude that many of the problems people find in stepfamilies is because of the mix of relationships, histories and blood connections that they involve.

It feels different to be a stepparent than it does being a biological mother or father. Stepparents can feel that they are asked to slot into a situation that has no place for them as they have no past history with their stepchildren and 'inherited' with a new partner. The 2011 census identified '544,000 stepfamilies with children in the England and Wales [1]. that is 11% of families with dependent children'.

Stepfamilies in the past - the Wicked Stepmother

Stepmothers have a bad name worldwide, with many countries having myths and legends about envious, murderous, wicked stepmothers; women who, after a mother dies, marries the father and wishes their stepchildren ill - particularly stepdaughters. Cinderella and Snow White are perhaps the most famous in this country. In these cases, the dead mother is an angel who loved and cherished her children, while the stepmother is devilish. We can safely say that these stories suggest that it is hard to be a stepmother and that the relationship between stepchildren and stepmothers can be particularly challenging. It is hard to compete with a ghost. The death of a mother was the most likely reason a stepfamily was formed in the past.

The people in a stepfamily most likely to come to me for guidance and therapeutic support are stepmothers. They often feel that they have no place in the family, that their partners will rush to make arrangements with their exes around childcare without consulting them, and that these often affect them. Additionally their stepchildren are almost like siblings to them, as they want attention from the same person, and often get it ahead of the stepparent. It is apparent that these situations can bring about some very difficult feelings. While most describe liking their children, they also long for alone time with their partners. This might be very different from how their partners feel, and conversations between the parent and stepparent can be difficult as both have things to say that the other finds hard to hear.

In January 2019 Rio Ferdinand, together with his partner Kate, allowed a programme to be made about their own situation [2]. His family, like those most common in the past, became a stepfamily when his wife, mother of their three children, died of cancer, and two years on he met Kate. The programme documents their journey towards becoming an integrated family and follows the process of relationship building between Kate and Rio's children. It shows in detail the difficult situations that arose for them all and the support that she, Rio and the children found through grief counselling and group therapy, where they met others in similar situations. This is a rarely brave and open programme that does not glamorise or gloss over the emotional difficulties that the family's situation raised. The challenges include for Kate, living in the house Rio had shared with his wife and her need to make the house her home, while respecting and acknowledging the children's need to remember their mother.

This programme is interesting because, without glossing over problems it shows a family coming together. The relationships are honest, and many recognisable issues are discussed and faced. Most importantly it shows that finding a way to talk together and respect each other's feelings helps all family members to adjust to their situation. Sometimes people need expert help for this, because when people are vulnerable, with emotions such as grief, anxiety and protectiveness are present it can be difficult to listen to each other.

Stepfamilies now

These days, it is more usual for a stepfamily to be formed when a family separates. When two people want to get together and one of them has children with another person, then that other parent and the children become part of the package. In other words, the whole family, including the ex-partner or partners are involved. For a stepmother, this means that her partners children have a mother, they are most likely not to want another one.

Stepmothers are the stepfamily members most likely to turn up in my therapy room or to ask their partners to come to counselling. They do so because they are finding their position in the family difficult and that they are painfully outside of the relationship between their partner and his children. The story they tell me are versions of the same thing. The following are typical complaints:

• Their partner and his ex the stepchildrens' mother , make arrangements without considering the effect on the stepparent
• They like the children, but feel that their partner gives them first attention
• It is often hard for a stepparent to find time to be alone with their partner
• When parenting is shared, the stepparent finds the presence of the children unrelenting