How Do I Talk To My Therapist About Sex?
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Often people will talk to their therapist about things that they wouldn't discuss with anyone else
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Monika Dedus, a sex and relationship therapist, explains her work
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If you are struggling with sexual problems or issues around intimacy and relationships, find a therapist here
I talk about sex a lot; as a sex therapist it is my job to ask questions. I ask my male and female clients and couples to tell me very intimate details about their lives. I ask about their childhoods, their parents, their siblings, their relationships and, of course, I ask them about sex.
But I do need to constantly keep myself in check and always try to put myself in “my client’s shoes”, wondering what it must be like to be asked the most intimate questions and share sexual thoughts, feelings and practices with a stranger (well, almost a stranger).
Both women and men have insecurities, secrets and anxieties about themselves as sexual beings and with sex as a whole. So, why are we so confused when it comes to sex? It has been said that sex is our oldest obsession. We do obsess about it, read about it, are intrigued and also scared by it. Some women tell me that they occasionally speak about sex with their girlfriends... yet interestingly enough, men tell me that sex is not discussed in any depth with their male friends.
So what do women talk about? Topics vary, from body image issues affecting them sexually, low libido, painful intercourse, vaginismus, anorgasmia, arousal difficulties, adjusting to intimate life after childbirth, surgery, illness and many others. Actually, men suffer in a very similar way but the symptoms presenting might be different: erectile difficulties, premature and delayed ejaculation, as well as sexually compulsive behaviour, is frequently described.
As an example: one of my clients, an 80-year-old male, came to me following a road traffic accident to discuss his emotions after the accident, together with a loss of general confidence. Attending his third session, he’d brought with him a box of prescribed Viagra because he wondered if it was out of date. It was his way of telling me that he would like to discuss his sex life and more importantly, that he still wanted to be – and could be - sexual.
Another example would be of a recent female patient in her late 60s, a cancer sufferer, who had surgeries connected to her cancer and was hospitalised for many weeks. In early sessions she told me with great sadness that she missed being intimate with her husband, as before her illness they enjoyed a rich and frequent sex life. She was saddened that she couldn’t talk to her GP, cancer nurse or even her friends and family about the sudden loss of intimacy in her life.
Sex should never be taken for granted; over the years clients have shared with me so much knowledge and insight into the female and male perspective on sex and sexuality, yet I continue to learn so much. I am especially grateful for the insight from my male clients - insight that I, as a woman, never had before and that most women will never have. So, I feel privileged that men have opened up and told me about how they feel about their penises, about how they learned to masturbate, how they often compared their penises to other boys’ growing up... how they fear they are not big enough (and small enough) or good enough when it comes to sex. I am also encouraged by the fact that more and more men are entering therapy in order to explore their difficulties and improve their lives. At present, 40% of my client list are males.
So although it might be uncomfortable to share sexual thoughts with people around us - who don’t (or won’t) ask, so we don’t (or won’t) tell - we must remember that sex and sexuality is an essential part of us all. If we ask, and share, we will learn so much more about our partners, and in turn ourselves. I know I will continue to ask questions about sex, and continue to be fascinated by what I learn.
Monika Dedus is a verified welldoing.org therapist in LU5, Bedfordshire
