Rowanne Mackie

Having one unhealthy relationship in your lifetime might be considered unfortunate. A chance to learn and grow; part of growing up perhaps, so long as you leave it, move on and don't repeat it again. But what if you have a pattern of unhealthy relationships with love or sexual partners, friends, family, work colleagues? What if you are in an unhealthy relationship and feel unable to leave it? What if your relationship with yourself is so poor, you think that's the way life is for you?

Codependence as a term can split opinion amongst professionals, is not a clinical condition or medical diagnosis, nor does it have to become your identity label unless you choose it to be. But if you are living with the consequences of repeated negative and destructive patterns in relationship with yourself and others, learning about codependent traits for the first time can bring a sense of relief. There are books about it. There are support groups and there are caring and supportive professionals who understand the turmoil within you and often surrounding you. And there is help.

I am often asked, "what is codependence?", "am I codependent?" or "what 'makes' a person codependent?". Whilst the last question is beyond this article, my hope here is to raise awareness of codependence as a term, offering a name to what can otherwise be a confusing dichotomy of traits, repeated ways of behaving and patterns of thinking about ourselves, about others and about our relationships.

When I say relationship here I mean all types; work, romantic, sexual, family, friendships and most importantly, with yourself. Specifically, how a poor relationship with yourself then plays out in the poor quality and negative types of relationships you seek often unknowingly , form and maintain; the treatment you tolerate from others and how these repeat, regardless of your efforts to change yourself, others or your circumstance.

And just as you can receive and feel it, so you can dish it out! Indeed, it can be like dancing a passionate, painful and ultimately destructive tango, playing the parts of victim, rescuer and aggressor.

That is, until you make the choice to stop dancing for a while, change the music and learn to dance a different dance! Because it doesn't matter what 'they' did or didn't do, or when 'they' did or didn't do it, the buck now stops with you to change this for yourself. Only you can change the pattern.

Reading the list below, you might say these are human traits, everyone feels a bit of this. And I would agree with that, totally. So for you to identify yourself as codependent or as having codependent traits, you will be undoubtedly repeating negative patterns of unhealthy relating in a variety of scenarios and circumstances.

The list I offer below isn't necessarily definitive and not all need apply, but you'll know deep down how close this is to your reality:

So now you’ve read the list, you will if the chord strikes and how deeply within you, if so. You may identify yourself as codependent or you may not and ultimately it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that if you recognise these patterns and traits as dominating and negatively impacting your life, so you can start to change. And if you want support to do so, it is available.   

The fact is that the cycle is likely to persist until you make positive and fundamental changes. Ignoring the problem, hoping it will go away or change with your next relationship, friendship or home move will not make things better. In fact, it’s likely to get worse as patterns repeat over time.

The good news is that it is possible to stop the patterns and change for good. We do this by changing your relationship with yourself, by changing how you relate to others and how you allow others to relate with you.

It takes a little time to understand how and why you interact the way you do. It takes time to build a positive relationship with yourself and learn how to interact healthily with others. But it absolutely possible and the right support is available to you now.   