Emotional unavailability is a term that gets used a lot, often in pop psychology, and especially in the realm of dating and relationships. Whilst it is often overused, the definition remains blurry which leads to confusion around understanding what it actually means and how it manifests. We often overcomplicate it, but at its core, emotional unavailability refers to a person's inability or unwillingness to be emotionally present or engaged with others.

Why do we get so caught up in the idea of emotional unavailability, and how can we recognise it, both in ourselves and in the people we interact with?

Emotional unavailability is generally understood as a lack of capacity to be present for another person emotionally. This can show up in a variety of ways, from an inability to empathise with others to a simple lack of time and space in one's life to be emotionally present. It's important to note that emotional unavailability is not always about malice or lack of care – it can stem from factors such as stress, emotional exhaustion, and a lack of self-awareness.

One example of emotional unavailability is seen in dating. Imagine you're on a date with someone who, right from the start seems distracted. They might be texting on their phone, checking emails, or constantly glancing at the clock. Their attention isn't fully on you or the conversation. In this case, while your date may be physically present, they're not emotionally available because they're not present in the moment. They lack the space or awareness to connect with you emotionally.

Another form of emotional unavailability arises from a lack of emotional intelligence or self-awareness. Take for example, a person not realising that their actions are hurtful or dismissive. A person who avoids conversations about feelings or shuts down when emotions are expressed may not know how to handle those emotions, either their own or others...which can make it difficult for them to form deep, meaningful connections with others.

Unfortunately, people who are emotionally unavailable tend to end up attracting others who are also emotionally unavailable. This dynamic is often unconscious but it can play a significant role in why we sometimes chase people who aren't capable of giving us the emotional connection we desire. This attraction is often driven by a subconscious desire to fix, win over, or emotionally 'earn' the affection of someone who is difficult to connect with. The inconsistent nature of the relationship where affection is intermittently given and withheld can create an emotional rollercoaster that feels both exciting and validating, even though it's ultimately unfulfilling.

This dynamic can also make it harder for individuals to recognise when someone is not emotionally available because they misinterpret the lack of attention or affection as a challenge or an opportunity to prove their worth. It also confirms our own feelings of not being good enough. It's in these moments that we must ask ourselves: why do we find ourselves pursuing relationships that are clearly going to lead to pain and disappointment?

Am I emotionally unavailable?

If you're wondering whether you're emotionally unavailable, it's important to first reflect on your behaviour in relationships, both with romantic partners and friends. Becoming emotionally available starts with self-awareness, which involves noticing patterns in how you engage or disengage emotionally in different situations. For example, when someone shares something emotionally significant with you, do you find it difficult to listen? Do you tend to change the subject or avoid deeper emotional topics? If you tend to shy away from emotional conversations or struggle to stay present when others express their feelings? Any of these may be a sign of emotional unavailability.

Additionally, emotional unavailability is often linked to a fear of vulnerability. Vulnerability is a crucial element of emotional intimacy, and those who are emotionally unavailable may feel threatened by the prospect of being emotionally exposed. This fear can lead to avoiding deep emotional connections or deflecting compliments and praise.

Another indicator of emotional unavailability is the avoidance of conflict. Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, but if you tend to shut down, become defensive, or avoid discussing difficult subjects, it could be a sign that you're not ready to face the emotions involved in that situation.

In some cases, emotional unavailability might not be about avoiding emotions entirely, but rather about feeling overwhelmed by the emotions of others. This might happen if you find yourself feeling mentally drained after emotionally charged conversations or if you're unable to handle another person's feelings without retreating. Recognising these patterns is the first step toward understanding whether you are emotionally unavailable.

How can I become more emotionally available?

If you do recognise these signs in yourself and want to work on becoming more emotionally available, there are steps you can take to improve your emotional engagement in relationships. The first step is developing emotional awareness. Begin by taking reflecting on your emotional responses in various situations. Do you avoid talking about your feelings, or do you resist engaging when others express their emotions? Do you feel uncomfortable when someone gets too close emotionally? Writing journalling or reflecting on these patterns can help you become more aware of how you interact emotionally.

One other way to improve emotional availability is to practice active listening. This means giving someone your full attention when they're sharing something meaningful, resisting the urge to interrupt, offer solutions, or change the subject...instead, stay present with their feelings and validate their experience. This will help deepen emotional connection and trust.

Learning to tolerate discomfort is also important in becoming more emotionally available. Emotional conversations can be difficult, especially when they involve vulnerability or conflict. Instead of shutting down or avoiding these conversations, challenge yourself to remain engaged even if the situation feels uncomfortable.

Taking small steps to share your feelings and be more open with others will help you develop stronger, more meaningful relationships. Becoming emotionally available isn't something that happens overnight. It takes time, practice, and a willingness to face uncomfortable emotions. But the rewards of emotional availability are well worth the effort. When you are emotionally available, you can create deeper connections, offer genuine support, and engage with others at a more meaningful level.

If you find yourself pursuing emotionally unavailable people or struggling to be emotionally present yourself, it's a signal that it's time for some self-reflection and introspection. Emotional unavailability can be a pattern, and it can also be broken. By increasing your self-awareness and making a conscious effort to engage emotionally, you can improve your relationships and generate a healthier emotional landscape for yourself and those around you.