How to Stop Losing Sleep Over Your Teen's Choices
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As a parent, it might be agonising to watch your teen make imperfect choices
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Counsellor Rachel Coler Mulholland explores how you can manage your anxiety in order to give your teen space to learn for themselves
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We have therapists who specialise in supporting adolescents – find them here
We all know that person – the person who doesn’t just show up waving a red flag, but who arrives in a jumper made of red flags. As adults, we know to avoid them – don’t tell them anything terribly personal, laugh only a little bit at their jokes, and make a quick exit stage left. But when our teenager brings their new partner to the house… and it’s that person… what can we do but worry?!
Sure, you could warn them – “this is going to end TERRIBLY” – but if you have a typical teen, this is likely to earn you at the very least an eye roll. You could forbid the relationship, but all that’s likely to do is drive the star-crossed lovers underground. So you worry. And you fret. And you lose sleep. And eventually, when it all goes sideways (as you knew it would) you deal with the fallout.
Since you can’t really avoid the inevitable, how can you dial back your own worry when you can see the writing on the wall? How can any parent deal with the anxiety that is inherent to watching their child grow up and through the difficult teenage years?
Remember, this, too, shall pass
Though it’s not often helpful with the actual somatic symptoms of anxiety (heart racing, tummy trouble, cold sweats), a top-down mantra approach employed before you’re too deep in the throes of anxiety can sometimes head off the physical symptoms that keep you up at night.
Repeating a comforting, true phrase such as “this, too, shall pass,” “I was a teen and I made it through,” or “the people in our life would never let true harm come to us” can help re-write the anxiety circuitry in the brain. By making the phrases part of everyday life – even if you don’t believe them at first – you can help train your brain to default to the mantras, rather than the worried or anxious thoughts.
Keep in mind the lowest common denominator
One of the things that seems to work well for many parents of teens is to consider the lowest common denominator – that is, how bad is too bad? If the worry is that they might be skipping school – at least they’re not sneaking out at night! If the worry is they’re sneaking out at night – at least it’s to hang out with their mates and not doing drugs! And if the worry is that they’ve fallen into drugs – then it’s probably time to hang up the worrying and tap in some professional help.
All of the examples above are forms of reframing – changing the way you’re thinking about something or considering it from a different point of view. Another version might be “the consequences of what he’s doing are serious, but they’re not severe, so I’m going to try to dial my anxiety to a six instead of a nine.” Such a view can help you sort out where on the scale you might need to call it on what you’ve been trying on your own and tap in outside help.
The plan is not the goal
Ultimately, the view that has been one of the most helpful in my experience has been the reminder that the plan is not the goal. In other words, the ideal outcome of parenting is raising a happy, healthy, safe, successful adult – the way you get there doesn’t matter as much as getting there. Every child is going to make mistakes – they are going to overestimate their own abilities, test out their independence by breaking a rule of the house, and probably find folks who are not safe or healthy people – but those mistakes and missteps are part of how teens learn. You, as a parent, have the wisdom and the experience to remember the big picture. And with that in mind, you can focus on shaping these ill-advised escapades (and their consequences) into learning moments that influence who your kid ultimately will be.
Lessons about trust (both yours and other people’s), reputation, safety, friendship, boundaries, and many other core values can be learned from the most unexpected teen mistakes. Think back to your own life and what you learned from the mistakes you made, and then think about how you can help make sure your child can learn from theirs. Knowing you have the ability to compassionately guide them through the inevitable poor choices is empowering, and empowerment is fundamentally a destroyer of anxiety.
Rachel Coler Mulholland is a counsellor and author of The Birds, the Bees, and the Elephant in the Room - Talking to Your Kids About Sex & Other Sensitive Topics
